Grey waves of Sadness grow tall…taller…and taller still.

Looming ominously above, their girth thickens.

With each expansion an equivalent balloon of fear

Presses and swells unbearably in my chest.

–

All I am shrinks

And I plunge deeper

Toward the trough below.

I struggle for something solid to

Stop me, Catch me,

Right me.

–

When will I land? Will I land?

Or will the waves finally crest,

crash into me, and

Swallow me whole?

---

Sometime in 2007/2008 I began seeing a psychologist. It was not my first time. In fact, it was my third time (once in college for about 2 years, once before my son was born in 2005 just for a day). In 2006 I was diagnosed with very severe case of Graves Disease and I was really struggling to gain emotional stability.

I didn’t want to go through therapy again. I felt like a failure since I’d done it before and found myself back. I also hated sitting with a stranger, who I might add, I never grew entirely comfortable with, talking about painful things I really just wanted to avoid. (Many times in my life I have yearned for a machine to go in and erase certain memories from my life thinking that if this or that wouldn’t have happened I would be happy and open. See – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). But I did it because there was no other option. I also began taking medication again (the first time being in college for a few months before I noticed that I couldn’t remember anything any more and that’s just not helpful when you’re supposed to be learning stuff, so I stopped taking it. It being Paxil.). I hated taking medication again, but it did allow the fog to lift just enough to enable me to deal with the crap I didn’t want to deal with so I could move on.

During my therapy in 07/08 he diagnosed me with Dysthymic Disorder. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term (chronic) form of depression. Symptoms usually last for at least two years, and often for much longer than that. Dysthymia symptoms usually come and go over a period of years, and their intensity can change over time. But typically symptoms don’t disappear for more than two months at a time. [1]

So, is this what’s occurring now? Maybe.

Dysthymia symptoms in adults may include:[2]

• Sadness or feeling down CHECK!
• Hopelessness Occasionally
• Tiredness and lack of energy CHECK!
• Low self-esteem, self-criticism or feeling incapable CHECK!
• Trouble concentrating and trouble making decisions CHECK!
• Irritability or excessive anger DOUBLE CHECK!
• Decreased activity, effectiveness and productivity CHECK!
• Avoidance of social activities CHECK!
• Feelings of guilt and worries over the past CHECK!
• Poor appetite or overeating CHECK!
• Sleep problems THRIPLE CHECK!

Uh oh.

I have not gotten to the point where I feel helpless and cannot function in my life. I can do all the little daily tasks I must do. I still feel like my commitment to them, to my family, has more weight than my sadness. This truth, thankfully, lightens the darkness. I function, but I want to thrive.

How much of this is the pain, unbearable at times, I feel? How much of it is being sad about being sad? How much of it is self pity, negativity?   How much of it is PMS hormones raging? All of these things are present.

I don’t want to go back to therapy now. What more could possibly be said or learned that hasn’t already been said or learned? I have no desire to rehash my past again. I know what’s what. I know why I do some of the things I do, why I behave in some of the ways I behave. I understand the connections and the patterns I repeat. I understand my symptoms and how they are affecting my life and relationships. All of this knowing has not changed anything.

I have devised a plan. The way I see it is this:

I cannot let feelings, feelings of sadness, despair, pointlessness, dictate my life any more. I am not so bad off that I cannot motivate myself to make some changes in my attitude and approach. I must do something. No one can do this for me.

1: Acknowledge the feelings

• They are deep
• They are dark
• Their gravity is strong
• They are life devouring
• They are real but they aren’t true.

This is Acknowledgement

2: Do not give in to them. I am not a victim.

• Do not crawl into bed & sleep
• Do not zone out in front of a screen
• Do not stare off into space
• Do not binge eat
• Allow space and feel them, acknowledge them (see #1), but do not indulge them

3: Write – Expression is vital!

• No matter how you feel
• No matter how bad the writing
• No matter how good you feel

4: Seek out inspiration, don’t wait for it to strike

• What strikes me?
• What is beautiful?
• What wakes me?
• What opens me?
• Why?

5: Meditate

• Everyday
• No matter what

6: Walk or hike

• Everyday
• No matter what

7: No more Pity Parties! If one begins to strike,

• See #3
• And #6
• And #5

8: Find ways to get out of myself as often as possible and focus on others

[1] http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

[2] http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/symptoms/con-20033879